When the world needs a hero who swears he’s got everything under control (he doesn’t), WHITE KNIGHT charges in—keys still dangling from the ignition, pupils wide as dinner plates, and a confidence that borders on performance art. Clad in armor polished with emergency bathroom-stall buffing, this crystalline crusader doesn’t just fight crime… he over-explains it to death.
- Powers & Abilities:
- Gilded Tongue: Can convince anyone—including himself—that this plan is definitely foolproof (spoiler: never is)
- Manic Momentum: Sustains superhuman productivity for exactly 90 minutes before reorganizing your entire Netflix queue instead
- Teflon Ego: Criticism slides right off… mainly because he’s already moved on to a new terrible idea
- idekick: Sir Sniffsalot (a sentient credit card with terrible judgment)
- Weaknesses:
- Direct sunlight (reveals the actual state of his outfit)
- Any situation requiring object permanence ("Wait, why are we fighting this guy again?")
- The phrase "Maybe you should take a nap" (triggers existential rage)
- Standard Issue Gear:
- The Trust Fund Shield (absorbs all consequences… temporarily)
- A Fifth of Liquid Courage (for "pre-battle rituals")
- Three Untraceable Burner Phones (all buzzing constantly)
- Arch-Nemesis:
- THE BALANCE CHECK – A demonic bank statement that always attacks at 3AM
- Catchphrase:
- "I’ll save you! Or die trying! (Statistically, the latter.)"
- Note: May pledge undying loyalty to a cause, person, or taco truck—whichever gives him dopamine first. Super suit not included (he totally meant to buy one).
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